Stop BEING SO HUMBLE

Your inability to acknowledge your achievements is holding you back. Let’s deal with your Achievement Dysmorphia right now.

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I have spent years reading about, talking about and experiencing Imposter Syndrome. I’m not alone in this, nor am I special when it comes to feelings of insecurity, inadequacy and fear of being found out to be a fraud.

Almost every high-achieving person I’ve ever met has verbalised the fear that if someone scratches a little bit below the surface, they’ll find a fraud.

I have spent hundreds of hours struggling to figure out where these feelings come from and why I can’t shake them. Do I need to work harder, learn more and execute better than I do already? Should I study more? Seek a mentor? Find a therapist and work through my daddy issues (we all have daddy issues)?

I did all of the above, but the syndrome persists.

Then a few years ago, I started coaching entrepreneurs in high-performing businesses and noticed a trend in their approach to their own achievements.

When many of the people I coach see colleagues or competitors achieve something amazing, they can immediately acknowledge how smart, gifted, talented and exceptional that person is and are happy to verbalise this and praise these people publicly. However, when we try to talk about what they have accomplished (even in a private coaching session), they dismiss their own achievements and chalk them up to luck, timing, their team, a good investor, a great client, a partner who helped them or a tiny bit of advice they read online. Any reason not to own their achievements.

For some reason, high-achievers just can’t see their own achievements for what they are. We blur them, we distort them, and we twist them around so that they no longer look or feel like achievements that belong to us.

Sure, there is no “I” in team, but there sure as hell is an “I” in “win” and sometimes I win.

Sometimes I did something amazing without help.

Sometimes I orchestrated a calculated strategic move that generated millions of dollars in revenue and changed the shape of my company.

Sometimes, just sometimes, I win without help or at the very least, I lead a team of people who follow my instructions, and we win because I was at the helm.

I call this Achievement Dysmorphia - an inability to recognise and own your accomplishments.

Think about someone in your life who impresses you. Everything they do seems to work out. They always look incredible, they beam confidence when they smile, and they make everyone around them feel like the superhero version of themselves. Every move they make is brilliant and people shower them with the spoils of victory.

You look at what they have achieved and credit them for their hard work, strategic skill and ability to execute better than anyone else. You give them direct and immediate credit in your mind for what they have achieved. Whether you like it or not, you credit them; even if you begrudge them for their success, you attribute it to them.

Now, think about your own achievements.

What was the last thing you accomplished? Hit a deadline at work? Received a raise? Wrote a book? Ran a faster mile than you ever have? Lifted more at the gym than you ever have? Raised a kid who isn’t an asshole?

When you look at this achievement, how do you explain it? Do you call it luck or attribute it partially to someone else, or maybe you credit your team and dismiss your involvement?

This is Achievement Dysmorphia in action; Our inability to recognise our achievements for what they actually are is crippling us and we don’t even know it.

We dismiss our achievements, our success, our ability to do something remarkable without help from others. We push aside our ability to put in the hard work, grind through tough times, and make carefully calculated strategic decisions.

In effect, we give away our achievements and our track record because we can’t fathom owning our achievements.

I’m sick and tired of people receiving an award and thanking everything in their lives until the award show producers have to usher them off with music. I want to see someone receive an Oscar and thank themselves. I want to see someone win a Grammy and stand up and say: “I did this. I worked hard. I toiled. I struggled. I grinded it out, with the help of my team, of course. But I am proud of myself for winning this award. I did it!”

We live in a world where it’s bad to admit to being good.

We live in a world where we marvel at the greats but demand they never take credit for their success, or we brand them arrogant and try to tear them down. We put people on a pedestal and then ask them to ignore how they got there in the first place. We live in a world where success is knocked down because you are too young, too old, too rich, too poor, too black, too white, too male, too female or too much of anything.

It is not arrogant to acknowledge that you have done something difficult and done it better than anyone else. It’s honest. Being humble doesn’t mean dismissing your own achievements or involvement in the success of something great.

Being honest with ourselves about our abilities and achievements will help us manage Imposter Syndrome (it never goes away, trust me) and helps us understand where we can do better next time.

Constantly attributing our achievements to others might feel like the appropriate thing to do, but it is damaging our egos negatively and influences our self-talk, sense of self and ability to be honest with ourselves.

Own your success. Own your failure. Drop your ego and be honest with yourself.

If you have the self-awareness to recognise your own shortcomings, and you can combine this with an ability to acknowledge your own achievements as yours, then you will be able to realistically assess your feelings of Imposter Syndrome and overcome them in the moment.

If, however, you never give yourself credit for doing something amazing, difficult or complex, then you will constantly be left needing other people’s approval, warping your own abilities and allowing people to push you aside.

It takes time to figure out what you are good at, and what you are bad at and to develop the self-confidence to admit when you have done something incredible. Take the time and start with something small today. 

The next time someone congratulates you or thanks you for doing something, just thank them for the compliment and move on.

Nothing is Decided For You

When I was seven years old I decided that I wanted to be a war correspondent.

That idea stuck in my head for more than a decade. It stuck with me even when my father and uncle berated me because I would be poor (journalists don’t make a lot of money). It stuck with me even though I barely qualified to go to university to study journalism. It stuck with me all the way up until I started studying journalism.

At some point, while studying journalism I realised that I didn’t want to be a war correspondent any more. I completed my undergraduate degree in journalism and bolted out of the small town as soon as I could. I tried half-heartedly to follow the path set out before me but my heart just wasn’t in it.

It’s a funny thing having a dream and then watching it, letting it, fade away.

I have watched people with lofty dreams, insane goals and wild ambitions achieve the things they set out to do. I have watched as their dreams are realised and turn into nightmares. What the hell do you do at the age of 19 when your dreams have been realised? I have watched as their success destroyed them. I have watched as it dawned on them that money does not make you happy (it makes it easier to find happiness, but that’s a different newsletter).

Conversely, I have watched people dream of something and never realise it. I have watched as they shift their lives to try and accommodate a goal that will never be achieved. I have watched people turn into depressing mush because they believe they are mediocre and always will be. These people refuse to admit that their dreams are passed and that it’s OK to find new dreams, aspire to new things and want a different life.

These people don’t realise that nothing is decided.

There is no predetermined path.

There is always, always, ALWAYS a choice.

You will never be younger than you are today and you have agency. You are allowed to change direction if you choose to do so.

A dish from ONA restaurant

There is a vegan restaurant in south-west France that has been awarded a Michelin Star. This is noteworthy for many reasons, the least of which is that very few vegan restaurants have been awarded a Michelin star.

Claire Vallée is the chef at ONA and the most noteworthy part of this story to me is that she holds a doctorate in archaeology. The 41-year-old chef is self-taught and became vegan after a trip to Thailand. At some point, she decided that her archaeology doctorate wasn’t for her. She took a summer job at a restaurant and 8 years later hadn’t left. She then trained as a pastry chef and on a trip to Thailand became vegan. The rest, as they say, is food in your stomach.

Did you dream of being a painter? Then paint.

Did you dream of being a writer? Then write.

Did you dream of being a guitarist? Then learn to play.

Did you want to be a dentist but your family wanted you to be a lawyer? Then go back to school.

Nothing is decided. There is no predetermined path. There is always a choice and you have the time to be whomever or whatever you always wanted to be. Sure, the choice may be difficult, it may cause pain in the short term, it may leave a wake of destruction behind it, but you still have a choice.