Don't make people earn your trust - give it away for free

Respect and trust are complicated. They are intangible and nuanced. They need context and differ from person to person and situation to situation. When you first meet someone the default is to not trust or respect them and I fucking hate that.

We have been taught for generations that respect and trust are earned. Both are tough to get and once you have them, you should protect them at all costs. I call bullshit. The older generations definitely got this wrong.

I have a different approach to trust that also applies to respect:

Trust people until they give you a reason not to.

This is one of my rules for living. I practice this every single day. I trust people when I meet them for the first time. I trust and respect people when I hire them and I continue to trust and respect people who have earned it.

I give respect and trust but never recklessly.

I have spent years curating my network and associating myself with incredible people. I have built a deep and personal respect and trust for these people and their opinions. When someone from within my network introduces me to someone I have no reason to hold back my trust and respect.

In my interactions, I give respect and trust first and upfront. I do not withhold them and hope that one day in the distant future I can respect and trust. Withholding these two basic requirements is a terrible way to begin a relationship.

Sure, if you give trust liberally and respect everyone you meet you are going to get screwed and not in the good way. This is game theory at play. You cooperate, they cheat. You cheat, they cheat more. I get it. It’s hard and complex. It’s likely that bad actors were going to harm you regardless of you giving them your respect. I choose to start relationships off on the right foot. I don’t want to force people to break through some impossible, subjective, random and ever-changing benchmark for earning my trust and respect. How self-indulgent of us all.

There is one catch when dishing out trust and respect; zero tolerance. When people abuse either or both, let them know and cut them loose.

You cannot maintain a balanced relationship if one of you is abusive towards the other. The minute someone lets me down and abuses my trust or blatantly disrespects me, I’m out. This is absolutely fundamental to a strategy of openly giving of yourself.

Unfortunately, some people are unaware of their infringements when they occur. They even repeat the abuse because you haven’t laid out that their actions are unacceptable. That’s on you, not them.

The minute someone steps out of bounds it is up to you to let them know. How can anyone adapt, apologize or work within the boundaries if they aren’t clearly laid out?

Imagine we treated dogs in the same way we treat people. You get a new puppy and do not trust the poor little guy. You suspect he is hiding something and reluctantly engage with him until one day in the future he saves your life. Only then do you trust him, but it’s too late. Your dog is suspicious of you and your actions and doesn’t respect or trust you. Now you have to work extra hard to rebuild the relationship that you broke because you didn’t give your trust freely. We don’t do this with our favourite pets, why do we do it with other people?

In a professional setting, I have a document that I give to everyone who I work with titled “How to work with Nic.” This document explains the kind of work relationships that I expect. They have the chance to read it and ask me about some of my oddities, quirks, and boundaries. If they never come back to me with a question or edit then I assume we’re all on the same page. They then have a few days to respond and provide me with their working document.

It’s incredible to me how few people have thought about their ideal work scenario. Does anyone think about the kinds of communication they can cope with and how they want to work with others? Do you know how many people have responded and sent me there document back over the past two years? None. If I don’t know how to earn your trust and respect, then how the fuck am I meant to do so?

We’re setting ourselves and each other up for massive and consistent failure because we can’t communicate effectively.

I prefer to give you my trust and respect on day 1 and then tell you how to keep them intact. I expect you to do the same and then we’ll make our relationship work better and for longer.

Go out today and give people the respect and trust that they have spent their entire lives earning.